Raising Resilient Kids is a Work In Progress
I regularly give my clients permission to punish their kids. To bribe them, and cajole them, and nag them, and yes, yell at them.
The thing is, they’re already doing this. Every parent has bribed their kid to just get in the F*%^*ing car. Punished them when they’ve had enough and can’t figure out what’s next. Yelled when they’ve had a stressful day and their kid rubs them the wrong way.
If I came in telling them that all of a sudden, they had to stop all of these behaviors completely… maybe they could for a day. But ultimately, nothing would change.
Instead, we work on choosing one behavior to respond differently to. To discipline (meaning – teach a new skill. actually practice with their kids how to do it differently) instead of punish. To understand instead of yell. To create intrinsic motivation instead of bribery.
The Goal Should Be Improvement
We get 10% better each week. And soon, the parents who yell and punish and bribe and cajole… still do. But they do it much, much less.
So much less that kids are happier at home and parents are too. So much less that the relationship actually shifts. And the next time they yell, both the parent and the kid feel a little bit surprised and have a clear sense of what “good” feels like. So they can try it differently next time.
I’m trying to take my own advice and get 10% better instead of making a dramatic (untenable) change.
I’ve been trying to get reliable, good, deep sleep. And, it’s not going that well, so I started working with a coach to keep me accountable.
I said in a perfect world I’d be upstairs and in bed reading before 9:30. Currently I’m in bed closer to 11 (and then I read and read and read for another half hour to an hour..). She reminded me– don’t aim for 9:30. Aim for 10:30. Then 10, then 9:30. Get 10% better reliably, instead of 80% better for a day until it fizzles out. I needed the reminder.
What could you get 10% better at? How might you cut yourself some slack on your behaviors and focus on one thing at a time?
I’d love to hear what you’re looking forward to making progress on!
