Did you know that I am a drummer?
I have taken intensive drumming classes in Ghana, Togo, Brasil, and throughout the United States.
For 8 years in New York City, I was in an all-womens Samba-Reggae drum troupe. We drummed in all the major parades throughout NYC and throughout the tri-state area.
Shout-out to Batala NY! Members of Batala (not me) opened for the Rolling Stones at MSG! We were legit!
In Batala, I found my drumming home.
Practices were grueling. 4-5 hours in a free practice space in NYC, meaning tight quarters and little a/c. Playing the same songs over and over.
I was in heaven.
And there were a lot of moms who were part of this troupe. I was in Batala before becoming a mom (and a few years after) and I wondered always how these fabulous women did it.
These women, moms to 1, 2, 3, 4, and even 5 kids, spent Sunday mornings 9-1 in sweaty practice spaces throughout NYC. Without their kids.
When I asked these women how they did it, the single moms told me that they got reliable, regular childcare for this precious time.
The married moms told me that they parented like they were divorced.
Saturdays, they had the kids 9-1. Their partners did whatever they wanted. Sundays, their partners had the kids 9-1. They went to drum practice.
There were rules. The house had to be clean, or at least serviceable, when the partner came back. Kids had to be fed. The other partner was completely in charge, meaning that whatever standards the other partner had, that was it.
No backseat parenting.
I took that to heart.
My husband and I, on vacation and on weekends, often parent like we’re divorced.
This means that some days, we’re all together and enjoying our time as a full family. And other days, one of us is completely off for at least a 3-hour chunk, often more.
This means that I can’t be upset when I come home to realize that the kids had mac-and-cheese again for lunch, even though there are other much healthier options and they already had mac and cheese twice that week.
This means he’s not upset when he comes home and realizes that I manually turned on and off the lights, messing with his automations, because the automations weren’t cooperating in the first place!
We each give each other grace, let the other lead, and step back.
This may be hard for you if you’re the parent reading this email. It’s hard for me too.
If you’re reading this, there’s a chance that you forward emails, podcasts, and articles to your partner because you’re doing a lot of the parenting learning.
There’s a chance that you have a “right” or “better” way of doing things, and if your partner just knew what you knew, they’d be able to do what you do and have your same standard. (Believe me… I feel this.)
The grace in sometimes parenting like you’re divorced is that you have to be okay lowering your standard. Letting your partner lead. Letting them mess up or succeed without your input.
And, at the same time, you get precious time to rest and connect with what lights your spark.
Parenting like you’re divorced lets each of you step up, and each of you step back.
This shows up (surprise, surprise…) in the Raising Resilient Kids class often.
When I enroll folks in the Raising Resilient Kids class, often one parent is the one leading the charge. They’ve read all my emails, attended my workshops, and know that this will be the exact right next step for their family. And the other parent is … happy to get on the call.
But here’s what happens: the parent who is the over-learner (I am her) gets to step back and be the student. The parent who is more an instinct-driven parent (my husband is him) gets to learn something new without their partner teaching it to them.
The over-learner can lean into their own learning and trust that someone else will check in with their spouse to see if they did the homework.
The instinct-driven parent can share their insights and have someone else be the teacher, finally putting both of you on an even playing field.
I invite you to lean into learning something together this winter.
