“If they would just DO their homework, it would be over already and we wouldn’t still be arguing!
Does this sound familiar?
“If she would just read for 20 minutes, we’d be done by now! If he would just load the dishwasher, we can move on with our night!”
When I am on a clarity call with parents, this comes up a lot. “How can I get my kid to develop their resilience and just DO things they don’t particularly like DOING so we can stop arguing about it?!?”
The truth is, resilience is not doing things we don’t want to do. Resilience is our innate trust in our ability to respond to something bad happening — then we act, knowing we can handle the outcome.
For many of our kids, doing homework can feel so scary, shame-filled, and very unpredictable. Will it be an easy worksheet that they’ve seen a lot or a page filled with math problems that they already struggled with in class?
This unpredictability leads kids to ask the question “What if this is hard? What will I do then?”
For a kid who has a built-up resilience muscle, their answer sounds like “If something is hard, I can try. If that doesn’t work, I can try something else. If that doesn’t work, maybe I’ll take a break or get help. Either way, I’ll be ok.” They know hard is not the end of the world.
For some of our kids, hard feels like the end of the world. Their train of thought is more like this..
“If this is hard, my classmates/teacher/parents will see me fail. If they see me fail, they’ll think terribly of me! I can’t show them that I’m a failure. Better to not try.”
So, what we are solving for in building resilience is NOT to get our kid to “just do it” — but rather, for them to see that if they fail, there’s another step to take (and another, and another, and another..) until they’ve found their footing again.
Let’s give our kids a system so they can begin to trust themselves, and trust that if something hard happens they can handle it.
That’s the way that homework (and the dishwasher, and softball, and arguing with their sister..) gets done quickly and easily. Because, to them, it’s not about getting it over with, it’s about trusting that if it doesn’t go well, they can deal with the repercussions.
This exact process of supporting our kids in trusting in themselves is what we learn in the Raising Resilient Kids parent class. The next cohort is starting in November, and if you think your child could benefit from these systems, I’d love to have you there.
To see if the class could be right for you, you can use the button below to book a clarity call with me
Here’s to homework done easily, the dishwasher loaded, and everyone having time to rest in the evenings!